Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were destined to go to rehab together
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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