We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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