you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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