pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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