there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
