So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
