John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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