Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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