I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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