I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
