I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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