he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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