This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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