I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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