Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
