Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
