im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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