remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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