so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
