I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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