CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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