last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
