Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
