if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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