I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
