I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
