I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
