after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
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Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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