Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
