My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
