why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
do herpes really smell.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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