I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
