On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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