A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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