Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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