Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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