Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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