omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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