so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
