i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
