I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
