I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
