I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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