you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
