why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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