ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
