i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
did you just send me my own nude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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