You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
