BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
