I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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