I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
