so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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