We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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