You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
