Whod you bang
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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