this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
