the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
