not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
